Spelling Lessons

Me: “Give me an S!”

The Boy: “S!”

Me: “Give me a T!”

The Boy: “T!”

Me: “Give me a U-P-I-D!”

The Boy: “U-P-I-D!”

Me: “What’s it spell?!”

The Boy: “IDIOT!”

MomDay Monday – Letters I’ve Never Sent

Dear Kraft: It’s called “Macaroni & Cheese,” implying that some form of cheese will be in the box.
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Dear Black Eyed Peas: No… I do not gotta get that Boom Boom Pow.
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Dear Bryan at Enterprise Car Rental: Your office is 6′ x 8′ so I doubt it took you THAT long to find out that your manager wasn’t there.
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Dear Brett Michaels: Did you mean for “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn” to be a funny song, because I sure laugh every time I hear it.
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Dear Meteorologists: You’re all very adept at predicting the weather as it’s happening, aren’t you?
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Dear Teacher: I am not one of those parents who brings their kid to school still sick because I’m tired of them being home. Well, I am… but this time I didn’t. So stop telling me he looks ‘piqued.’
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Dear Wipes Manufacturers: My downstairs bathroom is flooded due to the kids’ prodigious use of flushable wipes. While you’re looking up the definition of ‘prodigious,’ might I suggest that you also look up ‘flushable.’
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Dear Illness: I don’t currently have any time for you. So if you go away now, you can have me the entire month of April. Deal?
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Dear Teacher: We all know that “strong-willed” is teacher-speak for “Your kid doesn’t do what I ask” and “defiant” means “Your kid kind of scares me.” So what’s the meaning behind “Incorrect pencil grasp.”
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Dear Darling Daughter: I know your report card said that you had good listening skills, but The Police are singing “Message in a Bottle,” not “Listen to My Bottom.” Love you anyway.
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Dear Shoppers: Questions are a danger to you & a burden to others.
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Dear Random Stranger: Perhaps you don’t own a mirror, but Mariah Carey’s “Obsessed” is not an appropriate ringtone for you. Trust me – nobody would lie that they were sexing you.
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Dear Dental Hygienist: Telling me I can’t have coffee for 6 hours is like telling Rosie O’Donnell she can’t have a cupcake for 15 minutes. Innocent bystanders are going to be hurt.
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Dear Kodak: EasyShare? EASY Share? I think not.
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Dear Kids: Thanks for always making mommy laugh.

What’s That Smell?

Me, after spilling a cup of coffee in the car: “My car smells like coffee.”

The Girl: “It smells like rotten eggs.”

The Boy: “It smells like broken dreams.”

The Girl: “Hmmm… kinda like school smells like chalk & despair.”

Have We Met?

Me to The Boy as he comes in the room & gives me a hug: “How’s my most handsomest, kindest, smartest boy?”

The Boy: “You really don’t know me, do you?”

The First Black… Pope?

I was going through some old artwork of The Boy’s. This is one he did in pre-school in 2009. Apparently, that year we saw the first black President and, according to this, the first black Pope.

Ashes to Ashes

The Boy: “I don’t know what to give up for Lent.”

The Girl: “Just think of something you really like, then don’t do it for 40 days.”

MomDay Monday – Re-Tales

MORE MUSINGS FROM THE STORE FRONT:

When I ask if you need help finding something, the rule is that if I laugh at your “Can you help me find my wife?” you are then obligated to laugh at my “Don’t make me throw you out of here” when you tip something over.
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CATHEDRAL: A large or important church. GAZEBO: A small roofed building affording shade and rest.
What we sell, ma’am, are gazebos. Say it with me…. Gazebo.
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Know what, ma’am? Not only do we not sell the soap that you want, we also fail to carry a hacksaw large enough to get that chip off your shoulder.
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Ma’am, I understand that you saw it on Oprah. You’ve explained that to me several times. Still doesn’t mean that I’ve heard of it or that we sell it.
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No, ma’am, we do not have Chicken Chow Mein. Perhaps in your drunken haze you mistook this for the Grand China Restaurant up the street.
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Interplanetary Language Barrier: A “Caesar Machine” would do the bidding of a Roman dictator, or make a delightful salad. What you are looking for is more commonly known as a “Sewing Machine.” Welcome to Earth.
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Dear Heather: Thanks for visiting the cosmetics department tonight. I particularly appreciate your greeting of “Heather Was Here” emblazoned on my shelves in Maybelline Moisture Extreme’s Royal Red.
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Yes, ma’am. We do sell ‘bubbily bath.’ It’s right there next to the ‘babily oil.’
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Yes, sir. We do sell that remote control with the buttons. Which one has the buttons? All of them.
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Thank you, ma’am. Watching you cram 3 cart loads of furniture, appliances & other merchandise into your Corolla has made my night.

Dillweed – Part II

What I’ve always wanted to say to The Kids when they come up with a word that I know they heard from me but know they shouldn’t be saying.

It reminds me of a friend whose daughter got a lot of pollen on her sweatshirt at the park one afternoon. After unsuccessfully trying to brush the yellow sticky stuff off, my friend said, “Doesn’t look like that’s coming off.” Her 3-year-old daughter replied, “Fucking flowers.”

Now before you barrage me with how awful it is that a 3-year-old would know that word, lighten up. Kids pick up words all the time, even when we think they’re not listening. I swore The Boy was asleep in the back of the car one day when he was about 3 & flipped someone off. He later did it to his sister. Inappropriate? Definitely. Fucking funny? Absolutely.

Dillweed

The Boy has adopted one of my favorite non-swear insults – “Dillweed” – explaining so eloquently, “It’s a perennial herb, but it sounds bad, doesn’t it, Mom.”

Valen-Times

The Girl: “I don’t have a Valentine.”

Me: “That’s okay, sweetie. I don’t have a Valentine either.”

The Girl: “This is different. This is 5th grade. This is HARD!”

The Boy: “What are you talking about? You have valentines. I saw you sign all those SpongeBob cards the other day.”

Me: “No, buddy. When people get older, they like to have one special person that they want to be with & they call them their Valentine.”

The Boy: “Well, that’s just ridiculous.”

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Me: “Come on guys! Let’s make our Fondue!”

The Girl: “Let’s hope it really is a fondue & not a Fon-Don’t.”

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The Boy thought it was unfair that this was called “Fondue for Two” so we changed it.