The Boy, defending himself after losing his new Samsung tablet: “I didn’t lose it. I just put it somewhere I don’t remember.”
Me: “You’ll make a great lawyer someday.”
The Boy: “Yeah… ‘Your Honor, my client didn’t stab that guy. He just misplaced a knife in his head.'”
Me: “That’s lovely.”
The Boy: “Your honor… my client didn’t strangle that woman. He was simply hugging her…. tightly… around the neck.”
The Girl’s BFF, Lilly: “I love clouds. How do they get that way?”
The Girl: “Well, Lilly… When two water droplets love each other very much…”
I had noticed over a few nights that The Girl wasn’t eating all of her dinner. Instead of eating the steak or chicken I would make, she would just eat the vegetables & rice. Since she is reaching an age where a lot of kids become more socially conscious, I asked her about it.
Me: “I noticed you haven’t been eating any chicken or meat lately. Are you thinking about becoming a vegetarian?”
The Girl, rolling her eyes & sighing: “Honestly, mom. While such a thing as bacon exists, I could never be vegetarian.”
My mom, The Joan, has always been a spiritual force to be reckoned with. With a strong faith & a seemingly unflappable sense of self, she has always been the one to help me put the brakes on my runaway trains. I often don’t want to hear what she has to say & my sister, KK & I have spent many hours grumbling about her advice because that’s what you have to do when your mom is right & you don’t want to admit it. When I told The Kids the other day that “Nannee” (as she’s known to them) was coming over, The Boy lightly said, “Okay! Time for more life lessons!”
Today, she stood in my driveway after delivering a dresser that I think may have been in my bedroom when I was a child. I’m planning on painting it to use in The Boy’s room & with my mom & step-dad (otherwise known as The Joan & Tony Show) listing their house for sale, they were all too happy to get rid of anything that might be considered clutter to potential buyers.
“We have two showings tomorrow & I’m nervous,” she said. “This seems to be taking too long & I just want this house sold. Say a prayer that our showings go well.” She went on for a few more minutes about how anxious she was to get this done & how annoyed she was that it was taking so long. It was a rare moment to see my normally calm, collected mom getting worked up where, if it were me, she would have said, “Let go & let God.” I tried to give back to her some of the calming force that she’s given to me over the years but she just scoffed. “This better happen soon!” she declared. No letting go with her today.
She walked back to her car & as she was driving away, I called out, “You can’t rush God’s perfect timing.”
She put her hand out the car window and waved.
With just her middle finger.
I love that woman.
Me & The Joan
The Boy, after coming across an old Hannah Montana video: “What happened to her? Remember when she was all cute & country? Now she’s all drug-addicted & twerkaholic.”
Upgrade: Giving The Boy the weed killer with the spray gun. He took out all the weeds on the driveway & the sidewalk.
Downgrade: Spending a half hour listening to “Die Weed Scum!!” while he makes shooting noises with the weed killer spray gun.
Crud My Kids Say 