Monthly Archives: January 2012

MomDay Monday – Aisles of Smiles

Standard

Everyone should have to work in retail for at least 6 months at some point in their lives.

Every. One.

It’s something you can’t possibly understand unless you experience it first hand. And I promise you, you will never shop the same way again.

All of us in retail have seen things that would make your head spin. And then pop off. There are the people who open the curtains & drape them across the towels to see if they match. And the ones who put every rug on the floor to see how they look under their feet, then leave the aisle looking like a U2 concert. And then there are those who wipe their kids’ noses on the clothing (it’s why you should always… ALWAYS… wash what you buy before you wear it. New clothes smell be damned).

Now don’t get me wrong. There are many shoppers who are genuinely kind & who appreciate when you help them. But there is also a daily, random weirdness that makes you scratch your head. So to get through the day, I end up saying things in my head to amuse myself about  each situation because frankly, if I’m amused, it will just go better for everyone.

———-

Customer: “I need a 2×8 runner.”

Me: “Ours are 25×84 inches.”

Customer: “I don’t know what that means.”

Me (in my head): “It means you should be shopping somewhere that doesn’t require basic math skills.”

———-

I’m sorry I directed you to the wrong aisle, ma’am, but your accent made, “Where’s detergents?” sound like “Where’s da Trojans?” and, hey, who am I to judge?

———-

You know people in my area really hate The Yankees’ A Rod when his picture won’t even sell for 75% off.

———-

Would the brass polish you’re looking for be for your hair, ma’am?

———-

If you know each other well enough to have this discussion in the aisle of your friendly neighborhood retailer, then you probably know each other well enough to have this conversation in the privacy of one of your own homes, away from the employee of the friendly neighborhood retailer who just wants to fold the towels. By the way, I’m glad your baby is finally able to latch on & that it made a big difference in how chafed your nipples are.

———-

You can say “buffalump” as many times as you like, ma’am. I’m not ever going to know what it means.

———-

Apparently on your planet it’s called “milk oil.” Here we call it “chocolate syrup.” Welcome to Earth.

———-

This is an actual store, sir. Not a flea market. We don’t haggle.

Sometimes it’s the customers who inject the humor: 

“I see boys clothes & I see toddler clothes. Where are the old fart clothes?”

———-

Me, to a customer with a full cart: “Did you need help finding something?”

Customer: “No, thanks. I think I’ve found enough all on my own.”

———-

Me: “Can I help you find something?”

Customer: “My husband… Wait! What am I saying? I have the car keys. This is my chance!”

And then there are the inspirational:

80-year-old Eileen is going back to college & came to the store to buy a computer desk & chair. “It’s just a number,” she said of her age. “If you stay engaged in life, you won’t grow old.” God speed, Eileen.

Death Express

Standard

The Boy’s latest video game trash talking effort:

“Welcome to the Death Express. It’s like the Pony Express, except instead of mail, we deliver SOULS!”

This is worlds above some past trash talking episodes. For instance, when he was 5, to intimidate his enemies, he used:

“You want some cake? IT’S NOT YOUR BIRTHDAY!”

Saying Sorry for the First Time

Standard

Today was The Boy’s First Reconciliation. If you were born before 1998, you know it as Confession. I guess the Catholic Church figures that “confessing” is intimidating. “Reconciling” with God is much gentler. I think it’s intimidating either way.

He was not at all nervous, unlike The Girl who walked in to her First Reconciliation with a list so she wouldn’t forget anything. She’s the only kid I’ve ever seen go in with notes. I remember my friend telling me about her nephew when he went. He seemed to be taking an extra long time to finish his penance, or the prayers the priest gives you to say after your confession. His mom finally approached him to see what the problem was. He whispered, “He told me to say three Hail Mary’s. But I only know ONE.”

I was also reminded of where The Kids get a lot of their humor. Everyone was invited to go to Confession today, not just the kids. Upon seeing the parents & brother of one of the kids head to the confessional, The Ex said, “That whole family is going.”

Me: “Clearly they’re better than us.”

The Ex: “No they’re not. THEY have to go to Confession.”

I’m sure the Religious Ed director didn’t appreciate the guffaws coming from our pew.

Oh No You Didn…

Standard

 

When someone Google searches & lands on this blog, WordPress tells me what the search term was. Today’s were quite interesting. I understand how the “beaver” search mentioned earlier would bring someone here (there are now 5 disappointed people who didn’t find porn). And I assume that the search for a specific person who follows this blog brought someone else here because that follower has commented on posts in the past. But I’m at a loss to explain how someone got here from searching for the phrase “bitch no you didn.”

MomDay Monday – I’m Versatile?

Standard

According to two fellow bloggers, I AM versatile. Trixfred30 of www.happinessstanliveshere.wordpress.com and Erica of www.myadventuresinchaos.wordpress.com both nominated me for the Versatile Blogger award. I’m very honored & I always appreciate it when people I don’t know like the blog. I figure my friends & family have to. Except my dad. His response to the blog was, “My beautiful, intelligent grandchildren do not say crud.” I’m glad I didn’t go with my original title of “Crap My Kids Say.”

So the rules of the Versatile Blogger award…

RULE #1: List 7 Random Facts About Yourself:

1. I ignore the dental hygienist when she tells me I can’t have hot liquids for 6 hours after my fluoride treatment. Meet Mr. Medium Black Coffee, sister!

2. I love Villanova basketball for the most random of reasons. I never went to Villanova. But a former boss assumed I did, told several people I did & when I interviewed with one of those people, I got the job. So you see kids? You never know where your interests will lead you.

3. I have left the house on occasion wearing a shirt that reads, “I’m Big on the Pig.” ‘Cause that’s how I roll.

4. My dad may not be technologically savvy, but he sends me a valentine every year. The two have nothing to do with each other. I just think it’s sweet. And I know I’ll get at least one valentine this year.

5. My dishwasher flashes the word “Ho” over & over again about halfway through it’s cycle. At Christmas I figured it was just getting into the spirit. Now I’m starting to get offended.

6. I’m the Cookie Mom for 2 Girl Scout troops. Condolences can be sent via email.

7. I love that my mechanic shop leaves mints on the seat of my car after they work on it.

RULE #2: Nominate 15 Other Blogs.

1. http://notnowhoneymommyhastoblog.com/ – In the interest of full disclosure, the author is a friend of mine. She’s about the funniest woman I’ve ever know. Her haikus are legendary and be sure to read her ode to an elliptical machine.

2. www.chickswithticks.wordpress.com – A celebration of the outdoors from women who love to be there. It’s also a way to feed The Girl’s fascination with bugs without actually having to touch them.

3. The OCD Diaries – www.billbrenner1970.wordpress.com – Another friend but a great read nonetheless. Bill looks his own battles with mental illness & addiction square in the eye & says, “Screw you.” Lots of heavy metal, attitude & love go into this every day.

4. www.cassandrawasright.wordpress.com – Random rants from a blogger who is mad as hell &  not going to take it anymore.

5. www.awondrouslife.com – Even in the ordinary, life can be extraordinary.

6. www.crampmystyle.wordpress.com – Funny, nostalgic… just good.

7. Blank Stares and Blank Pages – http://jeremiahgraves.wordpress.com/ – So random…. anger at airlines, underwear as weather-stripping, general douchebaggery. I love it.

8. http://gokartracer.wordpress.com/ – Another disclosure… this is my niece and I love that she’s out there doing this & talking about her passion for racing. Dear World: You’ve been warned. Keep your eye on this girl. She’s going to go far.

9. http://susartandfood.wordpress.com/ – I’m no cook. The Ex used to be a chef so I’m just finding my way around the kitchen. This blog has great recipes… served with a slice of life.

10. www.thespotts.wordpress.com – Spotts in the Valley of the Sun – Warm & wonderful.

11. Sarah Smiles Awhile – http://sarahpalma.wordpress.com/ – Newly married and adorable (although I somehow think she would hate being called that), Sarah is warm & witty. I love her post on living in Grenada.

12. Kari’s Photoblog – http://karinemily.wordpress.com/ – I love when someone can see something beautiful in the everyday. It reminds me to try to do the same every day.

13. http://www.chicagonow.com/mary-tyler-mom/2012/01/social-media-101-my-barbie-mea-culpa/ – Mary Tyler Mom – I’m in love with this name… but more so, I love that she talks openly & candidly about her daughter’s cancer. I love this post about what happened when she shared her opinion of the Bald Barbie “Movement.”

14. http://365daysofphotosbyclare.wordpress.com/ – Another beauty in the everyday forum… but the extreme close ups & angles she uses make the photos almost surreal… looking forward to the next 343 days.

15. http://ayearwithsimpleabundance.blogspot.com/ – My mom gave me this book, Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach about 100 years ago. I dusted it off at the beginning of the new year in an attempt to live more simply and thereby more abundantly. I figured this new year was the perfect time for it with all the changes that happened during 2011.

So thank you again. Don’t tell anyone I said that it’s humbling to receive this. I’d hate for my surly reputation to be ruined.