Instead I Live

The Boy belongs to a theater group that is part of the music school where he takes drum & piano lessons. Not only do they stage standard musicals, Shakespeare & other dramatic pieces, but the lovely, talented & effervescent theater director, Amanda, spends a lot of time helping this group find their own voices. Last year, she challenged them to learn about issues facing their community including homelessness, LGBTQ issues & mental illness. Each member chose a topic meaningful to them & wrote a scene about it.

The Boy wrote a short monologue called “Two Birds, One Sidewalk” about a teenage boy wrestling with his parents’ divorce which leads him to having intrusive thoughts of never being good enough & wanting to kill himself.

Ouch.

Ouch for me because… well I guess I deserve that. But really ouch for him. Ouch for the idea that my beautiful, talented, funny, incredibly intelligent son could entertain the idea that he didn’t want to exist in this world. Ouch because less than a year later, he would stop entertaining the idea & instead take that idea out for an intimate excursion.

It’s been a long six months full of referrals, doctors, psychologists & medications. During this time, The Boy has discovered avant garde rocker, jazzer, uncategorizable artist Will Wood whose music has helped get him through. On Suicide Prevention Day, Will posted the following:

“My mind tells me I’m hopeless, that I’ll never find a way to be okay. It tells me to give up. Instead I press on.

My mind tells me I’m too weird to connect with anyone, too unrelatable & inherently bizarre. I tells me to give up. Instead I love.

My mind tells me the brightness of my future can’t overcome the darkness of my past. It says give up. Instead I recover.

Suicide tells me to give up. Instead I live.”

Instead he lives. Instead I live.

If you or a loved one, or a liked one, or even a barely tolerated one, are in distress or needs emotional support or crisis intervention, please call 1-800-273-TALK or chat online at suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

It’s okay to not be okay.