The Boy runs into my bedroom & jumps under the blankets. Slowly, an alien action figure appears from under the blankets & says in an alien voice: “You are being hypnotized. Do whatever The Boy tells you to.”
Me: “Oh, hey Mr. Alien. Could you tell Sam that’s not going to work?”
The Alien, disappearing under the blankets: “It didn’t work. She’s not hypnotized.”
The Boy: “Darn it. She’s smarter than she looks.”
The Angelina, 11-year-old friend of The Kids (and Me): “I was sitting on the babysitter’s couch, crying. Nobody even asked me what was wrong. If you saw a child crying, what would you do?”
The Boy: “Scream & slap them?”
The Boy: “I can’t wear shorts. I get cold. I need long-sleeved pants.”
The Boy, throwing rocks down the Flume Gorge, a large waterfall: “Oh no!! He had so much to live for!”
The Girl: “They’re rocks. They don’t know the difference. They’re born dead.”
The Boy: “And if they’re not, they are now. Nothing could survive that fall. It’s like 100 feet.”
The Boy decided his fortune cookie looked like the Millennium Falcon so he crashed it into his placemat then handed the pieces to his sister.
Me: “Why are you giving Grace the pieces of your cookie?”
The Boy: “Because fortune cookies taste like an old man’s ear.”
Han Solo in Star Wars – Return of the Jedi: “Chewie? Is that you?”
The Girl: “Of course it’s Chewbacca. Who else has that much hair? Except maybe dad.”
The Girl decided to chase down her brother with a squirt gun, yelling: “Get The Boy! Get The Boy!”
Moments later she comes running around the side of the house with The Boy hot on her heels. He’s waving a popsicle at her & yelling: “Taste my frozen fury!!”
I wonder if all the world’s comic geniuses had to hear, at some point in their early career from their big sisters, “That’s not funny. That’s gibberish.”
The Boy, watching fireworks: “Those colors are cool. It looks like Disney threw up.”
The Girl: “Moooommm… Sam says he can do whatever he wants!”
The Boy: “I can… in my BRAIN!”
Moments later, we walk through a set of automatic doors at the store.
The Boy: “See? I just opened those doors with my mind.”
The Girl: “Dude. They’re automatic doors.”
The Boy: “That I opened with my mind.”
Crud My Kids Say 