Hey, Baby… Can I Get Your Number?

Several years ago, The Boy spent Mass making eyes at the 14-year-old girl in the pew behind him. On the way home, he declared: “Darn. I didn’t get her phone number. Oh well, she’s probably too old to date a 6-year-old.”

Monkey Boy

Me: “Sam, why aren’t you asleep?”

The Boy: “Well, I was born in 2004, the Year of the Monkey, and monkeys don’t sleep that much.”

For Villains Only

Mumford & Sons: “I really *beeped* it up this time… didn’t I my dear?”

The Girl: “Does he say a bad word there? What does he say?

Me: “You don’t need to know.”

The Girl: “What word is it?”

Me: “Nothing I’m going to tell you.”

The Boy: “It’s so bad I bet it’s on the list of words only villains can use.”

Scared Straight

The Boy: “Isaac & I had a plan to sneak out to the playground during school without anyone else knowing. Kyle said we shouldn’t. You know why? Juvie.”

Call the Bomb Squad

I’m not sure if I should call the authorities after The Boy asked what would happen if the house exploded – then went on to say, “But there’s no bombs in here. No siree!” as he slipped out the back door, closing it gently behind him.

How Much to Just Leave the Appliances Alone?

The Boy has given me a price list for chores:

Unloading the dishwasher: $0.75
Doing the laundry: $1.00
Washing the TV: $18.00

Says The Boy, “What? TVs are expensive.”

The Hit Heard ‘Round the World

The Boy got a good hit at baseball today & the crack of the aluminum bat was LOUD. He proudly exclaimed: “They heard that one in Canada!”

During his next at bat, he set his sights a little higher: “I’m going for China this time.”

Table for Two? Would You Prefer Dead or Undead?

The Boy: “If zombies come around here, I’m just gonna tell them, ‘Sorry, zombies. This big, juicy brain is NOT on the menu.’”

43 Out of 44 Presidents Don’t Want Happy Marriages.

The Girl: “Mom, what’s ‘gay’?”

Me: “Well, men & women usually fall in love with each other. But there are men who fall in love with men & women who fall in love with women. That’s what ‘gay’ is. Why? What did you hear?”

The Girl: “Well, Nick said that President Obama was the first president to approve of gay marriages so I asked Emily what gay was. She said it meant “happy” but I couldn’t figure out why all the other presidents wouldn’t approve of happy marriages.”

You Don’t Bring Me Flowers…

I was lecturing The Boy for quite a while about something as we were walking to the car. He stopped, pulled a dandelion from the sidewalk, handed it to me and said, “Here. For when you calm down.”